I just realized that I have full control over my art, well specifically my next video, which I’m editing at the moment.
If I don’t want this scene here. Poof. Gone.
If I want to shoot a new scene here. Grab the camera. Call up my friends.
And it’s not like I’m new to this, we’ve been shooting our own vids since Love Samosa.
Obviously each vid I learn something new.
I keep striving. Keep pushing.
I can’t even watch tv the same anymore. I notice the color correction, the lighting. I try to figure out what lens they’re using.
Did you see that no cut scene for like 10 minutes in True Detective? Gees. I don’t watch tv, I watch how they make tv.
This is how I was when I first started making music.
The thing now is I’m in full control. And it’s kinda scary and awesome.
Most of you reading this probably can’t relate to being in full control. Yes you.
If you’re brown and you probably are, you’ve been told what to do all your life by your parents.
Same with me. Heck I still can feel my heart race when some old person tells me some shit.
I’ve cussed out aunties for talking to me like a kid. I cussed out my best friend’s mom one time. Who does that?
I just hate being told what to do. I really hate it.
And now I have to figure out for myself what to do.
And so do you.
Any place worth going wont show up on a map right?
You act as if everything I do is wrong. You want me to do things your way. But your life is shit. You even said so yourself.
So why would I do things your way? So I can have a shit life to?
I have an amazing life. You should be copying me.
Everything is always one big joke to me.
I am always so optimistic. So patient. So confident.
I know how I got this way, and how others didn’t.
When were born were like a tiny ball and everything that has ever happened to us adds another layer.
Bad things happen to us, a layer gets added. A layer of shit.
Good things happen to us, a layer gets added. A layer of glitter.
Most of the time okay things happen to us and then gets added. A layer of “meh”.
For me a lot of small wins happened to me.
Especially with the opposite sex.
Or maybe I’m just so optimistic I perceived a really small win, where somebody else would think nothing of it.
Oh she said “hi” to me.
How the opposite sex reacts to you especially when you’re young affects your confidence.
I know hardly a profound thought.
So my question is if I have so together?
Why do I feel so alone?
And I don’t mean that in an emo I’m a cut my wrists way.
I mean that in a I feel like I’m the only one that “gets it”.
I feel like my music, especially my raps are so much better than anyone else’s, even the rapper’s I look up to.
Is it a case of the audience playing catch up?
But my presentation hasn’t been great.
I could blame it on the people I’ve worked with or lack of funds, but the blame is all mine.
And maybe that’s why I feel so alone, because I am trying to do something no one has ever done before.
And now after sharing that I don’t feel so alone.